random thoughts May 26th

watching non-syllable content -> visual view; (watching a picture, a video, a movie, a scene, a frame) watching syllable content -> reading; (reading a paragraph, a sentence, a word, a character)

hearing -> voice, speaking out loud; (speaking, singing, listening) hearing -> non-voice, listening; (listening to music, listening to the sound of nature, listening to the sound of the city)

my thoughts are generated by the input of my senses. For example, I see the world through my eyes, the people around me, the nature, the view of sunset, the book I bought which contains a lot of words. I hear the world through my ears, the voice of people, the sound of nature, the sound of the city, the music I listen to.

I think the world is a place where we can get input from our senses, and we can generate thoughts from the input. My thoughts are generated by the pesudo language in my head, which I called “inner voice”. I think the inner voice is a language that my brain functioning, like a computer program. The inner voice is a language that I can understand, and I can use it to communicate with myself. I think the inner voice is a language that I can use to communicate with other people. I think the inner voice is a language that I can use to communicate with the world.

And there’s time when I don’t have a clear inner voice in my head. wait a minute, sometime I feel a strong urge in side my heart for me to speak, or write, or even just dance. It feels like the need for food or water in my body. It will disappear if I fullfill my needs at time, or it will grow stronger and stronger until I can’t hold. And if I still don’t find a way to feed my needs…(interupted by the inner voice, I think I should write this down, Am I controlled by copilot with writing this essay? Am I really thinking what I am writing now, or its just a copilot writing for me?)… back to the topic, actually, I did not have a really unsatisfied need to be missed. In other words, I always find a way for my inner voice to be heared by others. Like, I am alone and living by myself. No one has been talking to me in real life for almost a month. And I lied to anyone almost. There’s no one in my life right now, other than me. I watched a lot streaming, i mean a lot, almost 10 hrs per day. The need for physical touch, I mean, I don’t have a girlfriend, and I don’t have a friend. I don’t have a family. I don’t have a pet. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a school. I don’t have a life. I don’t have a future. I don’t have a past. I don’t have a present. I don’t have a body. I don’t have a mind. I don’t have a soul. I don’t have a heart. I don’t have a brain. What I have is …? I don’t know.

Actually, I was wrong. I do have a family, I do have some friends, even though my friends are actually my cousin and my dear little brother, does that count as friends? I don’t know. So, now I know something for sure, that I want have a life that I desired, a soulmate or whatever it called by others, a real love, a real friend, a real family, a real job, a real school, a real life, a real future, a real past, a real present, a real body, a real mind, a real soul, a real heart, a real brain. Nothing needed to be pretended and connected through void via Internet. Like I want, a touch, a kiss, a hug and a real love. I want to be loved, I want to be cared, I want to be needed, I want to be wanted, I want to be desired, I want to be alive.

Is this really what I write, 100% of my original thoughts? I kind say nah. Its not all of my thoughts, its a mixture with the content generated by copilot. Does it matter? Well, maybe not, or maybe it does. Its just I cant forsee the future of writing like this. wait a minute… What I actually write is English essay, its not my inner voice, its just a representation of my inner voice through my capability of english writing. Its not like I dont have any thoughts or minds of anything, sometime my writing capability is limiting my self expression. It hold my back to let me heared by more people around the world.

p.s. how many time do I use the word “I”? I think I use it a lot. Its not a desired pattern, to be honest.